KTemoc Kachinates

Speeding away from ... her!

2012-01-11T12:31:00.000+11:00

A senior citizen bought a brand new BMW Z4 convertible and drove it out of the sale-room. Taking off down the motorway, he floored it to 180 kph; enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left.

"Amazing!" he thought as he flew down the highway, enjoying pushing the pedal to the metal even more.

Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a police car behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blaring.

"I can get away from him - no problem!" thought the elderly nutcase as he floored it to 200 kph, then 220 then 240.

Suddenly, he thought, "What on earth am I doing? I'm too old for this nonsense!" So he pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the police car to catch up with him.

Pulling in behind him, the police officer walked up the driver's side of the BMW, looked at his watch and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 10 minutes. Today is Friday and I'm taking off for the weekend. If you can give me a reason why you were speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."

The old man, looked very seriously at the policeman and replied, "Years ago my wife ran off with a policeman. I thought you were bringing her back."

"Have a good day, Sir", said the policeman.

The twilight of Twilight

2011-04-09T14:49:00.003+10:00

Crossing the Sahara

2010-10-13T19:07:00.000+11:00

A nun and a priest were crossing the Sahara desert on a camel.

On the third day out, the camel suddenly dropped dead without warning.

Dusting themselves off, the nun and the priest assessed their situation. After a long period of silence, the priest spoke: 'Well, Sister, this looks pretty grim.'

'I know, Father. In fact, I don't think it likely that we can survive more than a day or two.'

'I agree,' says the Father. 'Sister, since we are unlikely to make it out of here alive, would you do something for me?'

'Anything, Father.'

'I have never seen a woman's breasts and I was wondering if I might see yours.'

'Well, under the circumstances I don't see that it would do any harm.'

The nun opened her habit and the priest enjoyed the sight of her shapely breasts, commenting frequently on their beauty.

'Sister, would you mind if I touched them?'

She consented and he fondled them for several minutes.

'Father, could I ask something from you?'

'Yes, Sister?'

'I have never seen a man's penis. Could I see yours?'

'I suppose that would be OK,' the priest replied lifting his robe.

'Oh Father, may I touch it?'

The priest consented and after a few minutes of fondling he was sporting a huge erection.

'Sister, you know that if I insert my penis in the right place, it can give life.'

'Is that true Father?'

'Yes, it is, Sister.'

'Oh Father, that's wonderful ... stick it in the camel and let's get the fuck out of here!'

Quick thinking

2010-10-04T13:14:00.000+11:00

A man in London walked into the produce section of his local Tesco's supermarket and asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy working in that department told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce. The man was insistent that the boy ask the manager about the matter.

Walking into the back room, the boy said to the manager, "Some old bastard wants to buy a half a head of lettuce."

As he finished his sentence, he turned around to find that the man was standing right behind him, so he quickly added, "and this gentleman kindly offered to buy the other half."

The manager approved the deal and the man went on his way.

Later, the manager said to the boy, "I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier, we like people who can think on their feet here, where are you from son?”

"Malaysia, sir," the boy replied.

"Why did you leave Malaysia?" the manager asked.

The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing but whores and soccer players there."

"Is that right?" replied the manager, "My wife is from Malaysia!"

"Really?" replied the boy, "Who did she play for?"

Secret of sweet tea

2010-09-18T11:26:00.000+10:00

A woman goes to the doctor, beaten black and blue.

Doctor asks: "What happened?"

Woman says: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every time my husband comes home drunk, he beats me to a pulp."

Doctor: "I have a real good cure for that. When your husband comes home drunk, just take a glass of sweet tea and start swishing it in your mouth. Just swish and swish but don't swallow, until he goes to bed and is asleep."

Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor, looking fresh and reborn. She says: "Doctor, that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband came home drunk, I swished with sweet tea. I swished and swished, and he didn't touch me! How does the tea do that?”

Doctor said: "The tea does fuck all, it’s just keeping your mouth shut, that does the trick!"

Kinky

2010-09-16T20:15:00.000+10:00

Man said to wife "Right you sexy thing, upstairs now."

She looked at him and said "Ooh, you kinky bastard."

He said "No, seriously, the soccer is about to start, now f*#k off."

Soldier of the Lord

2010-09-16T20:00:00.000+10:00

A friend was in front of me coming out of church one day, and the preacher was standing at the door as he always is to shake hands. He grabbed my friend by the hand and pulled him aside.

The Pastor said to him, "You need to join the Army of the Lord!"

My friend replied, "I'm already in the Army of the Lord, Pastor."

Pastor questioned, "How come I don't see you except at Christmas and Easter?"

He whispered back, "I'm in the secret service."

The nuns and the blind man

2010-05-20T21:54:00.001+10:00

Two nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent and the last instruction of the Mother Superior is that they must not get even a drop of paint on their habits.

After conferring about this for a while, the two nuns decide to lock the door of the room, strip off their habits, and paint naked.

In the middle of the project, there comes a knock at the door.

"Who is it?" asks one of the nuns.

"Blind man," replies a voice from the other side of the door.

The two nuns look at each other and shrug, both deciding that no harm can come from letting a blind man into the room, they open the door.

"Nice boobs," says the man, "Now, where do you want the blinds?"

Prostate check

2010-05-20T21:50:00.001+10:00

A man goes to his doctor for his physical. The doctor refers him to a urologist for a prostate check.

Much to his pleasant surprise, he discovers the urologist is a very pretty female doctor.

She says, "I'm going to check your prostate today, but this new procedure is a little different from what you are probably used to. I want you to lie on your right side, bend your knees, then while I check your prostate, take a deep breath and say 99."

The guy obeys and says, "99".

The doctor says, "Great. Now turn over on your left side and again, while repeat the check, take a deep breath and say 99."

Again, the guy says, "99".

The doctor states, "Very good. Now then, I want you to lie on your back with your knees raised slightly. I'm going to check your prostate with this hand, and with the other hand I'm going to hold on to your penis to keep it out of the way. Now take a deep breath and say 99."

The guy responds, "One ... Two ... Three ..."

The formula

2010-04-28T21:28:00.003+10:00

"And thus, dear students, we have arrived at the formula for understanding women."

The Devil made me say it

2010-02-12T18:44:00.002+11:00

Two priests are in a bathroom using the urinals.

One of them looks at the other's penis and notices there's a Nicobate patch on it.

He said to the other priest, 'I believe you're supposed to put that patch on your arm or shoulder, not your penis.'

The other one replies, 'It's working just fine. I'm down to two butts a day.'

Health plans

2010-01-29T07:44:00.002+11:00

A lady minister made an official visit to the hospital. During her tour she passed a room where a male patient was masturbating furiously.

"Oh my GOD!" screamed the minister. "That's disgraceful! Why is he doing that?"

The doctor who was leading the tour calmly explained, "I'm very sorry that you were exposed to that, but this man has a serious condition where his testicles would rapidly fill with semen, and if he doesn't do that at least five times a day, he'll be in extreme pain and his testicles could easily rupture."

''Oh, well in that case, I guess it's okay" said the woman.

Then they passed by the very next room, where she saw a male patient laying in bed while a nurse performed oral sex on him. Again, the woman screamed, "Oh my GOD! How can THAT be justified?"

Again the doctor spoke very calmly, "Same illness, better health plan."

Secret of a happy married life

2010-01-11T11:36:00.001+11:00

Mathai asked Kuttappan, "What is the secret behind your happy married life?"

Kuttappan replied, "You should share responsibilities with due love and respect to each other. Then I can guarantee there won’t be any problems."

"Can you explain?" asked Mathai.

Kuttappan said, "In my house, I make decisions on big issues whereas my wife decides on smaller issues. We do not interfere with each other's decisions."

Still not convinced, Mathai asked Kuttappan, "Give me some examples."

Kuttappan explained, "Smaller issues like which car we should buy, how much of my salary we should save, when to visit our parents’ homes, which air conditioner or refrigerator to buy, the monthly expenses, whether to keep a maid or not etc, all these are decided by my wife. I just agree to it."

Mathai queried, "Then what is your role?"

Kuttappan said, "As I mentioned, my decisions are only for the very big issues ... like whether America should attack Iran, should the UN impose sanction on North Korea, how to improve global awareness of the dangers to climate change, whether Sachin Tendulkar should retire etc! And do you know something … my wife NEVER disagree with me on any of these issues."

“That, my friend, is the secret of my happy married life!

Flight sexual advisor

2009-12-17T23:53:00.002+11:00

The charter flight home had been a long one. The passengers had got a bit bored over the second half and cockpit visits were taking place.

After a while the crew were getting tired of this, so when the steward asked for 'just one more', the captain told him to show the passenger the cockpit himself and then they were going to descend.

As they went through the plates, the crew heard something like, "So this is the captain on the left - the sexual adviser on the right and the flight engineer here behind. Now, these instruments in the middle are ..."

"Er ... excuse me, what did you say the man on the right was?" asked the passenger.

"The sexual adviser." answered the steward "Now ... these levers here are ....."

"I am sorry to interrupt again" said the pax "but do mean to tell me that you carry a sexual adviser on your crew?"

The steward looked at him and answered "Well I presumed so! At least, every time he opens his mouth, the captain says 'When I need F**king Advice, I'll ask you for it!"

Useful Viagra

2009-12-17T20:41:00.000+11:00

A man goes to visit his 85-year-old grandfather in the hospital.

"How are you grandpa?" he asks.

"Feeling fine," says the old man.

"What's the food like?"

"Terrific, wonderful menus."

"And the nursing?"

"Just couldn't be better. These young nurses really take care of you."

"What about sleeping? Do you sleep OK?"

"No problem at all - nine hours solid every night. At 10 o'clock they bring me a cup of hot chocolate and a Viagra tablet ... and that's it. I go out like a light."

The grandson is puzzled and a little alarmed by this, so rushes off to question the Sister in charge.

"What are you people doing," he says, "I'm told you're giving an 85-year-old Viagra on a daily basis. Surely that can't be true?"

"Oh, yes," replies the Sister. "Every night at 10 o'clock we give him a cup of hot chocolate and a Viagra tablet. It works wonderfully well. The hot chocolate makes him sleep, and the Viagra stops him from rolling out of bed."

Not 'Wright'

2009-12-09T20:07:00.000+11:00

An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution. His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.

As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him about, "What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you been? Dinner is cold ... and I'm not reheating it ..." And on-and-on-and-on …..

Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub ... pursued by the predictable, sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself up the stairs.

While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was told that her husband's client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of execution, after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight.

Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go upstairs and give him the good news.

As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.

"They're not hanging Wright tonight," she said.

He whirled around and screamed, "FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER STOP?!"

Pill OK?

2009-11-27T19:06:00.002+11:00

The dentist pulls out a numbing needle to give the man a shot.

'No way! No needles. I hate needles' the patient said.

The dentist starts to hook up the nitrous oxide and the man objects, "I can't do the gas thing. The thought of having the gas mask on is suffocating me!"

The dentist then asks the patient if he has any objection to taking a pill.

"No objection," the patient says. "'I'm fine with pills."

The dentist then returns and says, "Here's a Viagra."

The patient says, "Wow! I didn't know Viagra worked as a pain killer!"

"It doesn't" said the dentist, "but it's going to give you something to hold on to when I pull your tooth."

Men do remember!

2009-11-26T08:51:00.002+11:00

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him.

She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.

"What's the matter, dear?", she whispers as she steps into the room, "Why are you down here at this time of night?"

The husband looks up from is coffee.

"Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 16?" he asks solemnly.

The wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring and sensitive.

"Yes I do" she replies.

The husband paused. The words were not coming easily.

"Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car making love?"

"Yes, I remember" said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.

The husband continued. "Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years?'"

"I remember that too" she replied softly.

He wiped another tear from his cheek and said. "I would have gotten out today."

De Sex Sandals

2009-11-25T19:54:00.003+11:00

A married couple were on holiday in Jamaica. They were touring around the marketplace looking at the goods and such when they passed this small sandal shop.

From inside they heard the shopkeeper with a Jamaican accent say, "Hey, you foreigners! Come in. Come into my humble shop!"

So the married couple walked in.

The Jamaican said to them, "I have some special sandals I think you would be interested in. Dey make you wild at sex."

Naturally the wife was interested in buying the sandals after what the man claimed, but her husband felt he really didn't need them, being the sex god he was.

The husband asked the man, "How could sandals make you into a sex freak?"

The Jamaican replied, "Just try dem on, Mon."

So the husband, after some badgering from his wife, finally gave in, and tried them on.

As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, VarooOOOom, he got this wild look in his eyes ... something his wife hadn't seen in many years!

In the blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the Jamaican, bent him violently over a table, yanked down his pants, ripped down his own pants, and grabbed a firm hold of the Jamaican's hips.

The Jamaican then began screaming, "MON, YOU GOT DEM ON DE WRONG FEET! YOU GOT DEM ON DE WRONG FEET!!!!!"

The nun and the taxi driver

2009-11-24T11:55:00.002+11:00

A taxi picks up a Nun. She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome driver won't stop staring at her.

She asks him why he is staring.

He replies, 'I have a question to ask but I don't want to offend you.'

She answers, 'My son, you cannot offend me ... When you have been a nun as long as I have, you get to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive.'

'Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me.'

She responds, 'Well, let's see what we can do about that, but 1, you have to be single and 2, you must be Catholic.'

The taxi driver is very excited and says, 'Yes, I'm single and Catholic!'

'OK' the nun says. 'Pull into the next alley.'

The nun fulfils his fantasy, with a kiss that would make a hooker blush.

But when they get back on the road, he starts crying.

'My dear child,' says the nun, 'why are you crying?'

'Forgive me for I've sinned. I lied and I must confess, I'm married and Jewish.'

The nun says, 'That's OK. My name is Kevin and I'm going to the Gay fancy dress party.'

Secret finally revealed - Why Germany lost WWII

2009-11-24T10:34:00.005+11:00

After 64 years of intensive study, researchers at the Centre for Strategic Military Studies have finally determined how Germany lost World War 2 ...

Divine pickpocket

2009-10-18T10:28:00.001+11:00

South Auckland vasectomy

2009-10-13T11:14:00.005+11:00

An Auckland couple had 9 children.

They went to the doctor to see about getting the husband 'fixed'.

The doctor gladly started the required procedure and asked them what finally made them make the decision - why, only after nine children, had they chose to do this?

The husband replied they had read in a recent article that one out of every ten children being born in New Zealand was Chinese, and they didn't want to take a chance on having a Chinese baby because neither of them could speak the language.

Gifts of God

2009-10-13T11:12:00.001+11:00

A pastor's wife was expecting a baby, so he stood before the congregation and asked for a raise. After much discussion, they passed a rule that whenever the pastor's family expanded, so would his paycheck.

After 6 children, this started to get expensive and the congregation decided to hold another meeting to discuss the pastor's expanding salary.

A great deal of yelling and inner bickering ensued, as to how much the pastor's additional children were costing the church, and how much more it could potentially cost.

After listening to them for about an hour, the pastor rose from his chair and spoke, "Children are a gift from God, and we will take as many gifts as He gives us."

Silence fell over the congregation. In the back pew, a little old lady struggled to stand, and finally said in her frail voice,

"Rain is also a gift from God, but when we get too much of it, we wear rubbers."

The entire congregation said, "Amen."

Nude gardening

2009-10-13T11:11:00.000+11:00

A woman’s garden is growing beautifully but the darn tomatoes won’t ripen. There’s a limit to the number of uses for green tomatoes and she’s getting tired of it. So she goes to her neighbour and says: ”Your tomatoes are ripe, mine are green. What can I do about it?”

Her neighbour replies:”Well, it may sound absurd but here’s what to do. It happens there’ll be no moon tonight. After dark go out into your garden and take all your clothes off. Tomatoes can see in the dark and they’ll be embarrassed and blush. In the morning they’ll all be red, you’ll see.”

She thought: Well, what the heck, it can’t hurt to try it.

Next day her neighbour asks how it worked.

“So-so,” she answers. “The tomatoes are still green but the cucumbers are all four inches longer.”

Bird viagra

2009-10-11T08:45:00.000+11:00

A parrot swallows a Viagra tablet. His owner, disgusted, puts him in the freezer to cool off.

Later when he opens the freezer, he finds the parrot sweating.

"How come you are sweating?" he asks.

The parrot replies, "Do you know how hard it is to open the legs of a frozen chicken?"

Confession

2009-10-07T21:44:00.000+11:00

In 1985, an elderly Italian man who lived on the outskirts of Rimini, Italy, went to the local church for confession.

When the priest slid open the panel in the confessional, the man said: "Father ... During World War II, a beautiful Jewish woman from our neighbourhood knocked urgently on my door and asked me to hide her from the Nazis. So I hid her in my attic."

The priest replied: "That was a wonderful thing you did, and you have no need to confess that."

"There is more to tell, Father.... She started to repay me with sexual favours. This happened several times a week, and sometimes twice on Sundays.”

The priest said, "That was a long time ago and by doing what you did, you placed the two of you in great danger, but two people under those circumstances can easily succumb to the weakness of the flesh. However, if you are truly sorry for your actions, you are indeed forgiven."

"Thank you, Father. That's a great load off my mind. I do have one more question."

"And what is that?" asked the priest.

"Should I tell her the war is over?''

Shoe or hat?

2009-10-06T21:38:00.000+11:00

A retired couple, Margaret and Bert, moved to Tamworth.

Bert always wanted a pair of R.M. WILLIAMS boots, so, seeing some on sale, he bought them and wore them home.

Walking proudly, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife, 'Notice anything different about me?'

Margaret looked him over. 'No Darl.'

Frustrated, Bert stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and walked back into the kitchen completely naked except for new R.M. Williams boots.

Again he asked Margaret, a little louder this time, 'Notice anything different NOW?'

Margaret looked up and exclaimed, 'Bert, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging down again tomorrow, 'cause it’s always that way'

Furious, Bert yelled, 'AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN, MARGARET? DO YOU?'

'No Darl', she replied.

'IT'S HANGING DOWN, BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT ME NEW R.M. WILLIAMS BOOTS!!!'

Without changing her expression, Margaret replied, 'Shoulda bought a hat, Bert. Shoulda bought a hat.'

A woman's strategic planning

2009-10-03T15:12:00.001+10:00

The doctor, after an examination, sighed and said, 'I've got some bad news. You have cancer, and you'd best put your affairs in order.'

The woman was shocked, but managed to compose herself and walk into the waiting room where her daughter had been waiting.

'Well, daughter, we women celebrate when things are good, and we celebrate when things don't go so well. In this case, things aren't well. I have cancer So, let's head to the club and have a martini.'

After 3 or 4 martinis, the two were feeling a little less somber. There were some laughs and more martinis. They were eventually approached by some of the woman's old friends, who were curious as to what the two were celebrating.

The woman told her friends they were drinking to her impending end, 'I've been diagnosed with AIDS.'

The friends were aghast, gave the woman their condolences and beat a hasty retreat.

After the friends left, the woman's daughter leaned over and whispered, 'Momma, I thought you said you were dying of cancer, and you just told your friend you were dying of AIDS! Why did you do that?'

'Because I don't want any of those bitches sleeping with your father after I'm gone.' And THAT, my love, is what we called 'Strategic planning.'

AH

2009-10-02T19:38:00.000+10:00

A police motorcycle cop stops a driver for running a red light. The guy is a real jerk and demands to know why he is being harassed by the Gestapo!

So the officer calmly tells him of the red light violation. The motorist instantly goes on a tirade, questioning the officer's ancestry, sexual orientation, etc, in rather explicit terms.

The tirade goes on without the officer saying anything. When he finishes writing the ticket he puts an ’AH’ in the lower right corner of the narrative portion of the ticket, and hands it to the 'violator' for his signature.

The guy signs the ticket angrily, and when presented with his copy points to the ‘AH’ and demands to know what it stands for.

The officer says, "That's so when we go to court, I'll remember that you're an asshole!"

Two months later they're in court. The 'violator' has such a bad driving record he is about to lose his licence so he hires a lawyer to represent him.

On the stand the officer testifies to seeing the man run the red light. Under cross examination the defence attorney asks, "Officer, is this a reasonable facsimile of the ticket you issued my client?"

Officer responds, "Yes sir, that is the defendant’s copy, his signature and mine, same number at the top."

Lawyer: "Officer, is there any particular marking or notation on this ticket you don't normally make?"

Officer: "Yes sir, in the lower right corner of the narrative there is an ‘AH’ underlined."

Lawyer: "What does the "AH" stand for, officer?"

Officer: "Aggressive and hostile, Sir."

Lawyer: "Aggressive and hostile?"

Officer: "Yes Sir.”

Lawyer: "Officer, are you sure it doesn't stand for Asshole?"

Officer: "Well sir, you know your client better than I do!"

Which part of your body goes to heaven first?

2009-10-01T20:12:00.002+10:00

A nun teaching Sunday school was speaking to her class one morning when she asked the question, 'When you die and go to Heaven, which part of yourbody goes first?'

Suzy raised her hand and said, 'I think it's the hands.'

'Why do you think it's your hands, Suzy?' the nun asked.

Suzy replied, 'Because when you pray, you hold your hands together in front of you and God just takes your hands first.'

'What a wonderful answer!' the nun said.

Little Johnny raised his hand and said, 'Sister, I think it's your legs.'

The nun looked at him with the strangest look on her face.

'Now, little Johnny, why do you think it would be your legs?'

Little Johnny said, 'Well, I walked into Mummy and Daddy's bedroom the other night. Mummy had her legs straight up in the air and she was saying, 'Oh God, I'm coming!' If Dad hadn't pinned her down, we'd have lost her.'

The nun fainted.

Nearly sold out

2009-04-17T15:25:00.002+10:00

Two Kiwi businessmen in Auckland were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be new store. As yet, the store wasn't ready, with no stock and only a few shelves set up.

One said to the other: "I bet any minute now some idiot tourist is going to walk by, put his face to the window, and ask what we're selling."

No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious Chinese tourist walked to the window, had a peek, and in a sing-song Chinese accent asked: "What you sell?"

One of the men replied sarcastically: "We're selling ass-holes."

Without skipping a beat, the Chinese said: "You doing velly well, only two left!"

IKEA to take over GM

2009-04-17T15:19:00.006+10:00

Business Update

IKEA has announced its intention to take over GM and sell cars.

Expect IKEA to give you this when you buy a car ..................

They are finally together!

2009-04-17T15:15:00.002+10:00

Judy married and had 13 children. Her first husband,Ted, died of cancer.

She married again, and she & Bob had 7 more children. Bob was killed in a car accident 12 years later.

Judy remarried, and this time she and John had 5 children.

Judy eventually died, after having produced 25 children.

Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed for her. He thanked the Lord for this very loving woman and said, "Lord, they are finally together."

Ethel leaned over and quietly asked her best friend, Margaret: "Do you think he means her first, second, or third husband?"

Margaret replied: "I think he means her *legs*, Ethel ..."

Sunday morning sex

2008-12-25T23:43:00.002+11:00

On hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Susan went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95-year-old grandmother and comfort her.

When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, “He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning.”

Horrified, Susan told her grandmother that two people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.

“Oh no, my dear,” replied granny. “Many years ago, realising our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding, and out on the Dong.”

She paused, wiped away a tear and then continued, “… and if that damned ice cream truck hadn't come along, he'd still be alive today!”

Difference between 'potentially' and 'realistically'

2008-12-25T23:37:00.002+11:00

Little Johnny went up to his father and asked him, “Dad, what is the difference between 'potentially' and 'realistically'?”

The father thought for a moment, then answered, ”Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars.”

“Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars, and then ask your brother if he'd sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Come back and tell me what you learn from that.”

So the boy went to his mother and asked, “Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?”

The mother replied, “Of course I would! We could really use that money to fix up the house and send you kids to a great University!”

The boy then went to his sister and asked, “Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?”

The girl replied, “Oh my Gawd! I LOVE Brad Pitt I would sleep with him in a heartbeat, are you nuts?”

The boy then went to his brother and asked, “Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?”

“Of course,” the brother replied. “Do you know what a million bucks would buy?”

The boy pondered the answers for a few days and then went back to his dad.

His father asked, “Did you find out the difference between 'potentially' and 'realistically'?”

The boy replied, “Yes, 'potentially', you and I are sitting on three million dollars. But 'realistically', we're living with two hookers and a gay.”

Wrong diagnosis, but delightful treatment

2008-12-21T11:39:00.001+11:00

Two women were playing golf.

One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly towards a foursome of men playing the next hole.

The ball hit one of them. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground in pain.

The woman rushed down to the man, and apologize.

'Please allow me to help. I'm a physio-therapist and I know I can relieve your pain if you'd allow me,' she told him.

'Oh, no, I'll be all right I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the man replied. He was in obvious agony, still clasping his hands together at his groin.

But she persisted in guilt and finally he allowed her to help.

She gently took his hands away from his groin, loosened his pants and put her hands inside, where she administered tender and artful massage for several long moments. She then asked, 'How does that feel?'

He replied, 'Great, but I still think my thumb's broken.'

A piggy's dream

2008-12-21T11:36:00.000+11:00

In case you can't read the caption, Piggy said: "Personally I wish ther whole world were Jewish."

Irish farmer in court

2008-12-21T11:29:00.003+11:00

A farmer named Seamus had a car accident.

In court, the lorry company's hot-shot solicitor was questioning Seamus.
'Didn't you say to the Police at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine?' asked the solicitor.

Seamus responded, 'Well, I'll tell you what happened sir. I had just loaded my favourite cow, Bessie, into the...'

'I didn't ask for any details', the solicitor interrupted. 'Just Answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, "I'm fine!"?'

Seamus said, 'Well sir, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road....'

The solicitor interrupted again and said, 'Your Honour, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the police that he was fine. Now several weeks after the accident, he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question.'

By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Seamus's answer and said to the solicitor, 'I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favourite cow, Bessie'.

Seamus thanked the Judge and proceeded. 'Well sir as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favourite cow, into the trailer and was driving her down the road when this huge lorry and trailer came through a stop sign and hit my trailer right in the side.'

'I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurt, very bad like, and didn't want to move. But, I could hear old Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans.'

'Shortly afterwards, a policeman on a motorbike turned up. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her condition, he took out his gun and shot her right between the eyes.'

'Then the policeman came across the road, gun still in hand, looked at me, and said, "How are you feeling?"'

'Now sir, what the F* would you say?'

You must be in Year 4?

2008-11-22T21:00:00.002+11:00

A group of primary school infants, accompanied by two female teachers, went on a field trip to Cheltenham races to see and learn about thoroughbred horses.

When it was time to take the children to the toilet, it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other.

The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's toilet when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinal.

Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their pants, and began hoisting the boys up, one by one, holding their willies to direct the flow away from their clothes.

As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well endowed. Trying not to show that she was staring, the teacher said, 'You must be in year four.'

'No, madam,' he replied. 'I'm riding Silver Arrow in the 2.15.'

Why Men Lie

2008-10-22T21:33:00.004+11:00

One day, while a woodcutter was cutting a branch of a tree above a river, his axe fell into the river.

When he cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, 'Why are you crying?'

The woodcutter replied that his axe has fallen into water, and he needed the axe to make his living. The Lord went down in the water and reappeared with a golden axe.

'Is this your axe?' the Lord asked.

The woodcutter replied, 'No.'

The Lord again went down and came up with a silver axe. 'Is this your axe?' the Lord asked.

Again, the woodcutter replied, 'No.'

The Lord went down again and came up with an iron axe. 'Is this your axe?' the Lord asked.

'Yes', he replied.

The Lord was pleased with the man's honesty and gave him all three axes to keep, and the woodcutter went home happy.

Some time later the woodcutter was walking with his wife along the riverbank, and his wife fell into the river.

When he cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked him, 'Why are you crying?'

'Oh Lord, my wife has fallen into the water!'

The Lord went down into the water and came up with Angelina Jolie. 'Is this your wife?' the Lord asked.

'Yes,' cried the woodcutter.

The Lord was furious. 'You lied! That is an untruth!'

The woodcutter fell to his knees and cried, 'Oh, forgive me, Lord. It is misunderstanding. You see, if I had said 'no' to Angelina Jolie, You would have come up with Catherine Zeta-Jones. Then if I also said 'no' to her, you would have come up with my wife. Had I then said 'yes,' you would have given me all three. Lord, I am a poor man, and am not able to take care of all three wives, and I love my wife such that I don't want her to share me with anyone, so THAT'S why I said yes to Angelina Jolie.'

The moral of this story is:

Whenever a man lies, it is for a good and honourable reason, and for the benefit of others. MOSTLY his wife or girlfriend!

That's our story, and we're sticking to it. THE GUYS.

Australian Love Poem

2008-10-22T21:27:00.004+11:00

Of course I love ya darling
You're a bloody top notch bird
And when I say you're gorgeous
I mean every single word

So ya bum is on the big side
I don't mind a bit of flab
It means that when I'm ready
There's somethin there to grab

So your belly isn't flat no more
I tell ya, I don't care
So long as when I cuddle ya
I can get my arms round there

No sheila who is your age
Has nice round perky breasts
They just gave in to gravity
But I know ya did ya best

I'm tellin ya the truth now
I never tell ya lies
I think its very sexy
That you've got dimples on ya thighs

I swear on me nanna's grave now
The moment that we met
I thought u was as good as
I Was ever gonna get

No matter wot u look like
I'll always love ya dear
Now shut up while the footy's on
And fetch me another beer!

Alternative Final Verse – for Kiwis only!

No matter wot u look like
I'll always love ya dear
Now shut up, let me concentrate
And give you a good shear

How the woodpecker nearly became extinct

2008-10-22T18:23:00.001+11:00

Israeli Olympic swimmer

2008-10-22T18:22:00.002+11:00

Family relations?

2008-09-14T10:08:00.004+10:00

Two men, one American and an Indian were sitting in a bar drinking shot after shot.

The Indian man said to the American, "You know, my parents are forcing me to get married to this so called homely girl from a village. I haven't even met her once. We call this arranged marriage. But I don't want to marry a woman whom I don't love. I told them that openly and now have a hell lot of family problems."

The American said, "Talking about love marriages … Let me tell you my story. I married a widow whom I dated for 3 years and deeply love. After a couple of years, my father fell in love with my step-daughter and so my father became my son-in-law and I became my father's father-in-law. My daughter is now my mother and my wife my grandmother.”

“More problems occurred when I had a son. My son is my father's brother and so he is my uncle. Situations turned worse when my father had a son. Now my father's son, i.e. my brother is also my grandson. Ultimately, I have become my own grandfather and I am my own grandson.”

“And you say you have family problems ……… C’mon gimme a break!"

A Catholic driving very fast

2008-09-14T08:00:00.001+10:00

1st Prize - World's shortest essay competition

2008-08-03T15:39:00.005+10:00

This is a story of a 16 year old boy from New Hampshire who won the World's shortest essay competition.

Shortest Essay Competition:

An English university creative writing class was asked to write a concise essay containing the following elements: (1) Religion, (2), Royalty, (3) Sex, (4) Mystery and (5) Drama.

He was awarded a scholarship at the University of Harvard for his imagination and humour. Here's an example of absolute brilliance ...

His 1st prize entry was:

"My God," exclaimed the Queen, "I'm pregnant. I wonder who the father is?"

Beautiful ears?

2008-08-03T15:38:00.003+10:00

A young man moved into a new apartment of his own and went to the lobby to put his name on his mailbox.

While there, an attractive young lady came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes, wearing a robe.

The boy smiled at the young woman and she started a conversation with him.

As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on. The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact. After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, 'Let's go to my apartment, ... I hear someone coming.'

He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely.

Now nude, she purred at him, 'What would you say is my best feature?'

Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, 'It's got to be your ears.'

Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, 'My ears? Look at these breasts; they are full and 100% natural. I work out every day and my butt is firm and solid. Look at my skin - no blemishes anywhere. How can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?'

Clearing his throat, he stammered ... 'Outside, when you said you heard someone coming ... that was me.’

The Irish Blonde

2008-05-25T09:51:00.001+10:00

An attractive blonde from Dublin arrived at the casino and bet twenty thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice. She said, 'I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude.'

With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and yelled, 'Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!'

As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed, 'YES, YES, I WON, I WON!'

She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed. The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded.

Finally, one of them asked, 'What did she roll?' but the other answered, 'I don't know - I thought you were watching.'

MORAL OF THE STORY - Not all Irish are stupid; not all blondes are dumb; but all men are men.

The secret of life

2008-05-24T10:16:00.003+10:00

A man strolling down a street noticed an old lady sitting on her front step, so he walked up to her and said, 'I couldn't help noticing how happy you look! What is your secret?'

'I smoke ten cigars a day,' she said. 'Before I go to bed, I smoke a nice big joint. Apart from that, I drink a whole bottle of vokda every week, and eat only junk food. On week-ends, I pop pills, get laid, and do no other exercise at all.'

'That is absolutely amazing! How old are you?'

'Twenty-four,' she replied.

Naughty hubby

2008-05-24T07:52:00.000+10:00

British family planning advice

2008-04-12T18:23:00.001+10:00

Gulp ... really?

'Shit, I missed!'

2008-04-07T18:38:00.001+10:00

A Catholic priest and a nun were taking a rare afternoon off, and enjoying a round of golf.

The priest stepped up to the first tee and took a mighty swing. He missed the ball entirely and said 'Shit, I missed.'

The good Sister told him to watch his language.

On his next swing, he missed again. 'Shit, I missed.'

'Father, I'm not going to play with you if you keep swearing,' the nun said tartly.

The priest promised to do better and the round continued. On the 4th tee, he misses again. The usual comment followed.

Sister is really mad now and says, 'Father John, God is going to strike you dead if you keep swearing like that.'

On the next tee, Father John swings and misses again. 'Shit, I missed.'

A terrible rumble is heard and a gigantic bolt of lightning comes out of the sky and strikes Sister Marie dead in her tracks.

And from the sky comes a booming voice.

'Shit, I missed!'

The truth for Kermit

2008-03-20T19:31:00.000+11:00

cartoon from an email but marked as belonging to pal5delocos.com - (if incorrect, advise and I'll correct attribution)

Laziest guide dog

2008-03-20T17:30:00.000+11:00

cartoon by Trosley (from an email)

What actually happened on Noah's Ark!

2008-03-13T19:13:00.000+11:00

Why condoms are packed in 3's, 6's and 12's?

2008-03-02T08:27:00.000+11:00

A man walks into a drug store with his 8-year old son. They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, "What are these, Dad?"

To which the man matter-of-factly replies, "Those are called condoms, son ..... Men use them to have safe sex."

"Oh, I see," replied the boy pensively. "Yes, I've heard of that in health class at school."

He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and asks, "Why are there 3 in this package?"

The dad replies, "Those are for high school boys. One for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday."

"Cool!" says the boy.

He notices a 6 pack and asks, "Then who are these for?"

"Those are for college men." the dad answers. "Two for Friday, two for Saturday, and two for Sunday."

"WOW!" exclaimed the boy, "then who uses THESE?" he asks, picking up a 12 pack.

With a sigh, the dad replied "Those are for married men. One for January, one for February, one for March ....."

Scariest!

2008-02-26T19:45:00.000+11:00

cartoon by Rockwell (from an email)

Politically incorrect (1)

2008-02-23T22:49:00.002+11:00

A guy walks into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He puts the alligator up on the bar.

He turns to the astonished patrons. "I'll make you a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my genitals inside. Then the gator will close his mouth for one minute. He'll then open his mouth and I'll remove my unit unscathed. In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink."

The crowd murmured their approval. The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers, and placed his privates in the alligator's open mouth. The gator closed his mouth as the crowd gasped.

After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and rapped the alligator hard on the top of its head. The gator opened his mouth and the man removed his genitals - unscathed as promised.
The crowd cheered and the first of his free drinks was delivered.The man stood up again and made another offer. "I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try".

A hush fell over the crowd.

After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar.

A blonde woman timidly spoke up. "I'll try, but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle."

Why men don't talk to each other in public toilets

2008-02-21T21:54:00.000+11:00

I needed to pay a visit, so I found a public toilet that had two cubicles.

One of the doors was locked. I went into the other, one, closed the door, dropped my trousers and sat down.

A voice came from the cubicle next to me: 'Hello mate, how are you doing?'

Although I thought that it was a bit strange, I didn't want to be rude, so I replied 'Not too bad thanks.'

After a short pause, I heard the voice again 'So, what are you up to?'

Again I answered, somewhat reluctantly, 'Just having a quick poo ... How about yourself?'

The next thing I heard him say was ...... 'Sorry mate, I'll have to call you back. I've got some d*ckhead in the cubicle next to me answering everything I say.'

Man's greatest erection for a woman

2008-02-16T15:57:00.000+11:00

Tale of an Irish sausage

2008-02-16T12:25:00.000+11:00

Shamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn't have a lot of money. Between them, they could only raise the staggering sum of one Euro.

Murphy said "Hang on, I have an idea."

He went next door to the butcher's shop and came out with one large sausage.

Shamus said "Are you crazy? Now we don't have any money left at all!"

Murphy replied, "Don't worry. Just follow me."

He went into the pub where he immediately ordered two pints of Guinness and two glasses of Jamieson Whisky. Shamus said "Now you've lost it. Do you know how much trouble we will be in? We haven't got any money!"

Murphy replied with a smile "Don't worry, I have a plan, Cheers!"

They downed their drinks. Then Murphy said "OK, I'll stick the sausage through my zipper and you go on your knees and put it in your mouth."

The barman noticed what they were doing, went berserk, and threw them out. They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and more drunk, all for free.

At the tenth pub Shamus said "Murphy, I don't think I can do any more of this. I'm drunk and me knees are killin' me!"

Murphy replied "How do you think I feel? I lost the sausage in the third pub."

The Hit Man

2008-02-12T20:58:00.001+11:00

After waiting in vain for his friend at the local golf course, a golfer decided to tee off by himself at the first hole when a guy carrying a golf bag called out to him, "Do you mind if I join you? Looks like our partners didn't turn up."

"Sure," he said, happy to have company. "You're welcome."

So they started playing and enjoyed the game as well as each other's company. Part way around the course, he asked the newcomer, "What do you do for a living?"

"I'm a hit man," was the reply.

"You're joking!" was the startled response.

"No, I'm not," he said, reaching into his golf bag, and pulling out a beautiful Martini sniper's rifle with a large telescopic sight. "Here are my tools."

"That's a beautiful telescopic sight," said the golfer, "Can I take a look? I think I might be able to see my house from here."

So he picked up the rifle and looked through the sight in the direction of his house. "Yeah, I can see my house all right. This sight is fantastic. I can see right in the window."

"Wow, I can see my wife in the bedroom. Ha ha, she's naked!! Wait a minute, that's my neighbor in there with her ..... What! He's naked, too."

He turned to the hit man, "How much do you charge for a hit?"

"I'll do a flat rate for you, one thousand dollars every time I pull the trigger for a guaranteed hit."

"Can you do two for me now?"

"Sure, what do you want?"

"First, shoot my wife. She's always been mouthy, so shoot her in the mouth."

"Then the neighbor. But he's a friend of mine, so just shoot his dick off to teach him a lesson."

The hit man took the rifle and took aim, standing perfectly still for a few minutes.

The golfer asked impatiently, "Are you going to do it or not?"

"Just be patient," said the hit man calmly, "I think I can save you a grand here ....."

A good Christian?

2008-02-10T07:32:00.000+11:00

A man was being tailgated by a stressed out woman on a busy boulevard. Suddenly, the light turned yellow, just in front of him. He did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection.

The tailgating woman was furious and honked her horn, screaming in frustration as she missed her chance to get through the intersection, dropping her cell phone and makeup. As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer.

The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up. He took her to the police station where she was searched, fingerprinted, photographed, and placed in a holding cell.

After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door. She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects.

He said, "I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front of you, and cussing a blue streak at him. I noticed the 'What Would Jesus Do' bumper Sticker, the 'Choose Life' license plate holder, the 'Follow Me to Sunday-School' bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk. Naturally ..... I assumed you had stolen the car."

Five rules for a happy man

2008-02-10T07:30:00.000+11:00

FIVE RULES FOR MEN TO FOLLOW TO A HAPPY LIFE:

1. It's important to have a woman, who helps at home, who cooks from time to time, cleans up and has a job.

2. It's important to have a woman, who can make you laugh.

3. It's important to have a woman, who you can trust and who doesn't lie to you.

4. It's important to have a woman, who is good in bed and who likes to be with you

5. It's very, very, very important that these four women do not know each other.

Euro English

2008-02-07T00:46:00.000+11:00

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility.

As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5- year phase-in plan that would become known as 'Euro-English'.

In the first year, 's' will replace the soft 'c'. Certainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard 'c' will be dropped in favour of 'k'. This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome 'ph' will be replaced with 'f'. This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.

In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent 'e' in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.

By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing 'th' with 'z' and 'w' with 'v'.

During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary 'o' kan be dropd from vords kontaining 'ou' and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensi bl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech oza.

Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.

Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas.

Tears of a husband

2008-02-07T00:43:00.000+11:00

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in bed. She goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him.

He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.

"What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room. "Why are you down here at this time of night?"

The husband looks up from his coffee, and with a great sigh said, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 18?"

"Yes I do," she replies.

The husband pauses; the words were not coming easily.

"Do you remember when your father caught us in the garden?"

"Yes! I remember," said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.

The husband continued, hardly able to restrain a sob, "Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter, or I'll send you to jail for 20 years?’"

"I remember that too," she replied softly.

He wipes another tear from his cheek, looks up at the kitchen clock and said, "I would have been released today!"

Bull story

2008-02-04T18:40:00.000+11:00

A man took his wife to the rodeo and one of the first exhibits they stopped at was the breeding bulls.

They went up to the first pen where there was a sign attached that said: This bull mated 50 times last year.

The wife playfully nudged her husband in the ribs and said, "He mated 50 times last year."

They walked to the second pen which had a sign that proclaimed: This bull mated 120 times last year.

The wife gave her husband a healthy jab, whispering, "That's more than twice a week! You could learn a lot from him."

Then they came to the third pen. There, the sign said in capital letters: "This bull mated 365 times last year.

The wife, so excited that her elbow nearly broke her husband's ribs, gasped, "That's once a day. You could REALLY learn something from this one."

The husband glared at her and said, "Go over and ask him if it was with the same cow."

NOTE: The husband's condition has been upgraded from critical to stable and he should eventually make a full recovery

The parrot from the brothel

2008-01-30T13:16:00.001+11:00

A woman goes into a pet shop looking for a parrot. The assistant shows her a beautiful African Grey parrot.

"What about this one, Madam? A beautiful bird, and it's an absolute steal at only $20."

"Why is it that cheap?" the woman asks.

"Well," replies the assistant, "it used to live in a brothel and as a result its language is a touch fruity."

"Oh, I don't mind that," said the woman, making her mind up, "I'm broad minded and it'll be a laugh having a profane parrot."

Saying this, she buys the parrot and takes him home.

Once safely in his new home, the parrot looks around and squawks at the woman.

"F**k me, a new brothel and a new madam."

"I'm not a madam and this isn't a brothel," scolds the woman trying not to laugh.

A little later the woman's two teenage daughters arrive home.

"Un-f**king-believable. A new brothel, a new madam, and now two new prostitutes," says the parrot when he sees the daughters.

"Mum, tell your parrot to shut-up, we're not prostitutes," complain the girls, but they all see the funny side and have a laugh at their new pet.

They were still all laughing when the woman's husband Dave comes home.

"In-f**king-credible, a new brothel, a new madam, new prostitutes, but the same old clients ..... How ya doin', Dave?"

The laughter stopped.

The cruelest eye test

2008-01-28T22:11:00.000+11:00

The semen sample

2008-01-28T05:26:00.000+11:00

An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow."

The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.

The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, "Well, doc, it's like this - first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing."

"Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing."

"We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing.”

The doctor was shocked!

"You asked your neighbour?"

The old man replied, "Yep, none of us could get the jar open."

What is a crokodile?

2008-01-25T15:08:00.000+11:00

This is a real life exam answer of a grade 5 primary school pupil's 2nd term exam.

********

Write an essay on the following: "What is a crocodile?" Use block letters and write legibly.

Name: [removed by KTemoc]

Answer:

The crokodile is a specially built so long because the flatter the better swimmer. At the front of the crokodile is the head. The head exists almost only of teeth. Behind the crokodile the tail grows. Between the head and the tail is the crokodile.

A crokodile without a tail is called a rotweiler.

A crokodiles body is covered with handbag material. He can throw his tail off if he gets a fright but it doesn't happen much because a crokodile is scared of nothing.

A crokodile stays under the water because if you were so ugly, you would also stay under the water. It is good that a crokodile stays under the water because a person gets such a big fright if a crocodile catches you that he first has to rinse you off before he can eat you.

[the pupil was very polite - hope you readers know why the croc has to rinse the person before eating him?]

A crokodile isn't hardly as dangerous as people say he is, except if he catches you. The longer he bites you, the more it hurts.

[how true!]

Very old crokodiles only suck people and buck that they catch dead. If you eat him, he is a crokosatie.

[hope you got that? 'Satay', get it?]

A crokodile did not learn to swim with his arms so he uses his tail. The little brother of a crocodile is a lizard. The slow sister of the crokodile is a chamelon. The gay brother of the crokodile is a dafodil. And the crokodil also has a dead brother the frikadel.

There you are - all nicely & neatly defined. Surely an 'A+'?

They're not hanging Wright tonight!

2008-01-22T13:11:00.000+11:00

An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution for a client who was due to be hanged for murder at midnight. His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.

As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him about, 'What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you been?'

'Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it'. And on and on and on.

Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he went and poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself up the stairs.

While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was told that her husband's client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight.

Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go upstairs and give him the good news. As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.

'They're not hanging Wright tonight,' she said.

To which he whirled around and screamed, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER STOP?

Coolest Tombstone

2008-01-20T12:28:00.000+11:00

If you can't read the words on the Headstone of Russell J. Larsen in The Logan City Cemetery, Logan, Utah , here they are:

TWO THINGS I LOVE MOST,

GOOD HORSES AND BEAUTIFUL WOMEN,

AND WHEN I DIE I HOPE THEY TAN THIS OLD HIDE OF MINE

AND MAKE IT INTO A LADIES RIDING SADDLE,

SO I CAN REST IN PEACE BETWEEN THE TWO THINGS I LOVE MOST

Pity he won't ever know he won the 'Coolest Headstone' contest.

Five rules for a happy man

2008-01-20T12:26:00.001+11:00

The Genie & the 12 inch BIC lighter

2008-01-08T04:00:00.000+11:00

Things could be worse

2007-12-22T15:52:00.000+11:00

Lesson in logic (2)

2007-12-22T15:50:00.000+11:00

God made relatives

Thank God we can choose our friends!

Prince El Cheapo

2007-12-13T17:25:00.000+11:00

Prince Charles decided to take up jogging.

Every day, he'd jog past a hooker standing on the same street corner. He learned to brace himself as he approached her for what was almost certain to follow.

"One hundred and fifty pounds!" she'd shout from the curb.

"No! Five pounds!" he would fire back, just to shut her up.

This ritual between him and the hooker became a daily occurrence. He'd run by and she'd yell, "One hundred and Fifty pounds!" and he'd yell back, "Five pounds!"

One day, Camilla decided that she wanted to accompany her husband on his jog.

As the jogging couple neared the working woman's street corner, Prince Charles realized she'd bark her £150 offer and Camilla would wonder what he'd really been doing on all his past outings. He figured he'd better have a good explanation for his wife.

As they jogged into the turn that would take them past the corner, he became even more apprehensive than usual.

Sure enough, there was the hooker. He tried to avoid the prostitute's eyes as she watched the pair jog past.

Then, from her corner, the hooker yelled, "See what you get for five pounds, you tight bastard!"

Wedding Invitation

2007-12-10T20:20:00.000+11:00

Employee of the Month

2007-12-05T18:11:00.000+11:00

This is the level of dedication we expect from all staff!

A short fairy tale

2007-11-29T22:45:00.001+11:00

Once upon a time a guy asked a girl, "Will you marry me?"

She said, "No."

And the guy lived happily ever after.

A Fairy Tale

2007-11-21T20:50:00.000+11:00

One day, long, long ago,
there was a woman who
did not whine, nag or bitch .....

But this was long, long ago .....
and it was just ONE day.

The End

Miranda

2007-11-18T23:21:00.000+11:00

A female police officer arrested a man for drunk driving and read him his Miranda rights.

"Sir, you have the right to remain silent," the female officer tells the man. "Anything you say can and will be held against you."

The drunk smiles and replies, "Boobs."

Judge Bao & his buddy

2007-11-10T03:00:00.000+11:00

When Judge Bao Zheng* was a kid, he and his best friend, Chao went camping together. Late that night, both woke up at around the same time due to the cold.

* To find out who was Bao Zheng or Bao Gong as he was respectfully called, read here and here!

Bao suddenly pointed up at the starry sky, and asked Chao, "Well, what do you think?"

Chao, always wary of the brilliant super-intellectual Bao and his sharp caustic wit, cautiously attempted to cover all angles in his reply:

"Were you referring to the honourable art of navigation by stars - well, looking at the sector of the White Tiger of the West, there's the old familiar triple stars of Shen* so by them I know where North is ..."

* the belt of Orion

"Or, did you mean the honourable study of astronomy – if so, we are actually viewing history as those lights have taken wan*, wan, wan, wan, well many many more umpteen wan's years as the number of grains of sand on the shores of our nation, to reach us ..."

* 1 wan = 10,000

"Or, were you considering a noble discourse on philosophy – in that case, we are but insignificant specks in the greater scheme of the universe as our Great Sage instructed us ..."

"Or, was it to do with ..."

At this stage he was cut short by an impatient Bao, who snapped:

"You bloody idiot, someone has stolen our tent!"

story based on an email I received several years ago - I couldn't find that email but still recall from memory the basic storyline - therefore the above has been largely rewritten, which allowed me to modify it into a Chinese scenario with characteristics

Who am I?

2007-10-21T21:48:00.000+11:00

Monday morning a mailman is walking the neighbourhood on his usual route. As he approaches one of the homes he notices that both cars were in the driveway. His wonder was cut short by Bob, the homeowner, coming out with a load of empty beer and liquor bottles.

"Wow Bob, looks like you guys had one hell of a party last night," the mailman comments.

Bob in obvious pain replies, "Actually we had it Saturday night. This is the first I have felt like moving since 4:00 am Sunday. We had about fifteen couples from around the neighbourhood over for some weekend fun and it got a bit wild. Hell, we got so drunk around midnight that we started playing WHO AM I?"

The mailman thinks a moment and says, "How do you play that?"

"Well, all the guys go in the bedroom and we come out one at a time with a sheet covering us and only our 'privates' showing through a hole in the sheet. Then the women try to guess who it is."

The mailman laughs and says, "Damn, I'm sorry I missed that!"

"Probably a good thing you did," Bob responds, "Your name came up seven times."

Saga of a Kuwaiti Sewing Machine

2007-10-10T20:08:00.001+11:00

These four classified ads appeared in a Kuwaiti newspaper on four consecutive days, the last three ads desperately trying to correct the first day's mistakes.

MONDAY:
For sale - SK Shah has a sewing machine for sale.
Phone 2555-0707 after 7 PM and ask for Mrs Mani who lives with him cheap.

TUESDAY:
Notice: We regret having erred in SK Shah's ad yesterday. It should have read:

One sewing machine for sale cheap.
Phone 2555-0707 and ask for Mrs Mani, who lives with him after 7 PM.

WEDNESDAY:

Notice: SK Shah has informed us that he has received several annoying telephone calls because of the error we made in the classified ad yesterday. The ad stands correct as follows:

For sale - SK Shah has a sewing machine for sale. Cheap.
Phone 2555-0707 after 7 PM and ask for Mrs Mani who loves with him.

THURSDAY:
Notice: I, SK Shah, have no sewing machine for sale. I smashed it.
Don't call 2555-0707 as I have had the phone disconnected.
I have not been carrying on with Mrs Mani.
Until yesterday, she was my housekeeper but she quit.

2004 Best Headlines (2)

2007-10-10T20:08:00.000+11:00

"Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says"

Really?

Sometimes the Arab wins ...

2007-10-06T19:30:00.000+10:00

An old Egyptian-American man lived alone in Idaho. He wanted to do the annual digging and hoeing of his potato garden, but it was very hard work for a 70-year old man.

His only son, Abdul, who used to help him, was being held by the US military at Guantanamo Bay as a terrorist suspect. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament.

My Dearest Son,

I miss you badly. I am feeling pretty miserable because it looks like I won't be able to plant potatoes in our garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up the garden by myself. How wonderful it would be if only you were here. I know you would dig up the plot for me.

Your Dad,
Mohammad

A few days later he received a letter from his son.

My Beloved Dad,

In the name of Allah swt, don't dig up that garden, don't touch anything or even walk in it. The jinn, if you know what I mean, lies beneath the soil.

Love,
Abdul

At 5 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police showed up with all sorts of earth-moving machinery and dug up the entire area several times without finding any weapons. They apologized to the old man and left. A few days later the old man received another letter from his son.

Dear Dad,

Go ahead and plant the potatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances.

Love
Abdul

2004 Best Headlines (1)

2007-10-02T20:36:00.000+10:00

"Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over"

Wow, what a guy!

Garden of Eden ... What If?

2007-10-02T20:30:00.000+10:00

The world has been in a continuous turmoil since men started to record history - for example:

Trojan War, Mose massacring the Midianites, Israelites massacring the entire Amalekite nation, Elijah killing 450 priests of Baal with his own hand (1 Kings 18:40), slavery and disappearance of Israel's 10 tribes, 1st Judean slavery/Diaspora to Babylon, the wars of the 3 Kingdoms period in China, Rome and her conquests leading to the Judean 2nd Diaspora, 30 years war & 100 years war in Europe, Spanish conquest and genocide of South American natives, Isandlwana in South Africa and the subsequent wars leading to Apartheid, Wounded Knee and genocide of other American natives, Sepoy Mutiny against British colonial arrogant disregard for native sensitivities, WW I, WW II, Stalinist massacres, Japanese genocide of Chinese at Nanjing and other places, Japanese exploitation of war victims as in the evil abuse of 'comfort women', Nazi genocide of Jews at Auschwitz and other concentration camps, Indian-Pakistan separation, Kashmir turmoil, Northern Ireland, exploitation of Iraq, Afghanistan, 9/11, genocide in Rwanda, the US rape of Vietnam and My Lai massacre, Korean war, Sri Lanka insurgency, the evils of America at Abu Ghraib & Bagram Air Base & Guantanamo Bay, Israeli war crimes in Palestine (Sabra & Shatila) and its vindictive destruction of Lebanon, Indonesian Konfrantasi, Malayan Energency, etc.

If Adam and Eve were Chinese, we would still be in paradise because they would have ignored the apple and eaten the snake!

The Witness

2007-09-21T20:51:00.000+10:00

In a trial, a small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, an elderly grandmother to the stand.

He approached her and asked: 'Mrs Jones, do you know me?'

She responded: 'Why, yes, I do know you, Mr Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you're a big disappointment to me. You lie, cheat on your wife, manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.'

The lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked: 'Mrs Jones, do you know the defence attorney?'

She again replied: 'Why, yes, I do. I've known Mr Bradley since he was a youngster. He's lazy, bigoted, and has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes I know him.'

The defence attorney almost died.

The judge asked both lawyers to approach the bench and in a quiet voice said: 'If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you to the electric chair.'

Moral of story: Lawyers should never ask grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer.

Have you ever been f**ked?

2007-09-17T20:02:00.000+10:00

A man was sitting on a beach. He had no arms and no legs. Three women passing by felt sorry for the poor man.

The first woman said "Have you ever had a hug?"

The man replied "No", so she gave him a hug and walked on.

The second woman said "Have you ever had a kiss?"

The man answered "No", so she gave him a deep, hard kiss and walked on.

The third woman came to him and said "Have you ever been f**ked?"

Excitedly, the fellow said "Oh my gosh, no!"

She said "You will be when the tide comes in."

And you thought there was no such place?

2007-09-17T19:56:00.000+10:00

How many times have we been up there!

Who's in heaven?

2007-09-12T22:37:00.000+10:00

On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple is involved in a fatal car accident. Next, the poor couple find themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St Peter to process them into Heaven.

While waiting, they begin to wonder: Could they possibly get married in Heaven? When St. Peter showed up, they asked him.

St. Peter says, "I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out," and he leaves.

The couple sit and wait, and wait, and wait ..... Two months pass and the couple is still waiting. As they wait, they discuss that if they are allowed to marry in Heaven, then what will be the eternal aspect of it all?

"What if it doesn't work?" they wonder, "Will we be stuck together forever?"

Soon, another month passes but St Peter finally returns, looking somewhat bedraggled.

"Yes," he informs the couple, "you can get married in Heaven.”

"Great!" say the couple, "But we were just wondering, what if things don't work out? Can we also get a divorce in Heaven?"

St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slams his clipboard onto the ground.

"What's wrong?" ask the frightened couple.

"OH, COME ON!" St. Peter shouts, "It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have ANY idea how long it'll take me to find a LAWYER!

Sex & nationality

2007-09-11T21:53:00.000+10:00

On a chain of beautiful islands in the middle of nowhere, the following people are stranded:

Two Italian men and one Italian woman

Two French men and one French woman

Two German men and one German woman

Two Greek men and one Greek woman

Two English men and one English woman

Two Bulgarian men and one Bulgarian woman

Two Japanese men and one Japanese woman

Two Chinese men and one Chinese woman

Two Irish men and one Irish woman

Two American men and one American woman

One month later, on these absolutely stunning deserted islands in the middle of nowhere, the following things have occurred:

One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman.

The two French men and the French woman are living happily together in a menage a trois.

The two German men have a strict weekly schedule of alternating visits with the German woman.

The two Greek men are sleeping with each other and the Greek woman is cleaning and cooking for them.

The two English men are waiting for someone to introduce them to the English woman.

The two Bulgarian men took one look at the Bulgarian woman and started swimming to another island.

The two Japanese have put a message in a bottle for Tokyo and are awaiting instructions on what to do with the woman.

The two Chinese have opened a convenience store, restaurant, laundry, and have gotten the woman pregnant in order to have more family members to man their store.

The two Irish men divided the island into north and south and set up a distillery. They do not remember if sex is in the picture because it gets somewhat foggy after a few litres of coconut whiskey. However, they are satisfied because the English aren't having any fun.

The two American men are contemplating suicide, because the American woman will not shut up and complains relentlessly about her body, the true nature of feminism, what the sun is doing to her skin, how she can do anything they can do, the necessity of fulfillment, the equal division of household chores, how sand and palm trees make her look fat, how her last boyfriend respected her opinion and treated her nicer than they do, how her relationship with her mother is the root of all her problems and why didn't they bring a damn cell phone so she could call 911 and get them all rescued off this Godforsaken deserted island in the middle of freaking nowhere so she can get her nails done and go shopping.

Lesson in logic (1)

2007-09-09T17:49:00.000+10:00

If your father is a poor man, it is your fate but,
if your father-in-law is a poor man, it's your stupidity.

The Bible Says So!

2007-09-08T12:45:00.000+10:00

A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning.

The wife said, "You should do it since you get up first; that way we don't have to wait so long to get our coffee."

The husband retorted, "Hang on! You are in charge of cooking around here. That’s your job, and I am prepared to just wait for my coffee."

Wife insisted, "No, you should do it. Besides, it’s written in the Bible that the man should do the coffee."

Husband laughed, "I can't believe you would resort to such a tale. OK, show me."

So she fetched the Bible, opened to the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that indeed it says ... HEBREWS.

From women (1)

2007-09-06T21:48:00.000+10:00

WHY DO MEN SNORE WHEN THEY LIE ON THEIR BACKS?

... because their balls fall over their butt-hole and they vapor lock!